"For the last several weeks I have been wanting to sit down and write some of my thoughts down on paper, but the closer it got to this 1
st week in March, the harder it’s been for me to do so.
I have tried over the last year to keep reminding myself of all my blessings and all the good in my life, but somewhere in the back of my private memories is the fact that I still really miss my sister.
I think it’s been even harder than when my mother died….maybe because Mom was older and I could share that experience with Pam, but as sisters we were supposed to grow old together.
Somehow Pam and I just assumed that we would outlive our husbands and then we would spend all our time together.
We hadn’t agreed on where yet, but we had agreed that we could live as 2 old lady sisters (collecting buttons off of old clothes).
I think I’ve mentioned before that I teach an Institute Class to College Aged Students here in Alaska and this semester we are embarking on an in-depth study of the LDS conference talks from 2008. Tomorrow night the talk we are to discuss just happens to be on the subject of changes in our lives. Here’s a quote that hit me between the eyes:
“I begin by mentioning one of the most inevitable aspects of our lives here upon the earth, and that is change. At one time or another we’ve all heard some form of the familiar adage: “Nothing is as constant as change.” Throughout our lives, we must deal with change. Some changes are welcome; some are not. There are changes in our lives which are sudden, such as the unexpected passing of a loved one, an unforeseen illness, the loss of a possession we treasure. But most of the changes take place subtly and slowly.”
That describes my last year. Change!!! I don’t like it, but as the speaker alluded to, change is here to stay. Last summer I started keeping a journal of all the ways I felt blessed and even still hurting from Pam’s death, I was constantly reminding myself that life is good and that I was lucky enough to have a sister that I really loved……but the deeper the love the harder the pain of loss. I ended up writing about other things and found my own little form of therapy in the written word. Even a short phrase in a magazine or a newspaper would remind me of something I could write about. I even started a blog, but because I didn’t dare tell anybody the address, I never felt like keeping it current, so it still just sits with one entry.
I love teaching my class on Tuesday nights and I love the challenge of being prepared enough to teach doctrine and lead discussions at this level. I used to be able to call Pam on Wednesday mornings and she would ask me all about it and how I felt and what our discussion was like. I miss that. We would talk about serving in the Temple and what I had done that day. Now I head home sometimes after class or the Temple and have a rambling conversation with her in the privacy of my little car. The problem with this way of communicating is that it’s pretty one-sided. I should look on the bright side of it and think that she never interrupts my train of thought this way. But I would love to have her interrupt me again.
Even as I type this I remember that she used to do a lot of editing over the email for me. I would send her something I had written that needed to have the wording just right and she would mark it up and send it right back to me with her comments. She had a way of making my words sound profound by the time it was edited and re-written. I wish she could put her additions to this journal entry.
“ Time never stands still; it must steadily march on, and with the marching come the changes. This is our one and only chance at mortal life—here and now. The longer we live, the greater is our realization that it is brief. Opportunities come, and then they are gone. I believe that among the greatest lessons we are to learn in this short sojourn upon the earth are lessons that help us distinguish between what is important and what is not. I plead with you not to let those most important things pass you by as you plan for that illusive and non-existent future when you will have time to do all that you want to do. Instead, find joy in the journey—now.”
OK, so he pleads with me that I not let the most important things pass me by. What are my most important things? My husband, my four children, my extended family, my close friends and my relationship with and my Heavenly Father. My mom used to say something very similar…..she said it wasn’t important where you were standing in this life, but it was more important what direction you are headed. I learned so much from Pam in those last few months and weeks and even hours. Her world started to get smaller as far as what she was willing to spend her energy on. I like to think that it didn’t become narrower, but that she focused more on what really mattered. She loved her children and her husband. She loved having them around and was happiest when they were home…….even as she knew how tiring it sometimes was for her, she wanted them there with her. She wanted more than anything to be able to play with Ellie and you can tell from pictures of the two of them what great joy that brought her. I am convinced she waited until her family was gathered around her that early morning last March as a way of being more at peace.
I loved being with Pam’s children. They’ll never know how much I grew to love them. I appreciated watching them love and serve her. What a gift they all were to each other. Maybe it would have been the same way if Pam’s health had not been an issue, but maybe not. To see tenderness and love shared…..from mother to child and from children to their mother. As much as Pam belonged to the community and as many people loved her, there was still a very private side to her family life that I was grateful to have been a part of. I need to somehow let them know how much I love them……Brandon, Nicole, Elli, Kyle, Kendall, Amanda and Craig. I tried to tell them that, but it’s hard to say out loud and have it not sound trite. It’s an intangible thing that I hope they felt.
“Stresses in our lives come regardless of our circumstances. We must deal with them the best we can. But we should not let them get in the way of what is most important—and what is most important almost always involves the people around us. Often we assume that they must know how much we love them. But we should never assume; we should let them know. Wrote William Shakespeare, “They do not love that do not show their love.”3 We will never regret the kind words spoken or the affection shown. Rather, our regrets will come if such things are omitted from our relationships with those who mean the most to us. Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved. Friends move away, children grow up, loved ones pass on. It’s so easy to take others for granted, until that day when they’re gone from our lives and we are left with feelings of “what if” and “if only.” Said author Harriet Beecher Stowe, “The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.”
Last night when I was studying this conference talk and came across that last line, the tears just started rolling. I went upstairs to talk to Doug……….did he think that my mom and my sister both knew how much I loved them? Did I tell them? Did I leave anything unsaid? Was there any doubt in their mind how much they meant to me? I could hardly get the words out when I tried asking him. And then I realized that it doesn’t really matter, because I can’t go back in time and make it any different. The one thing I can do is make sure that those that I care about here and now know it. My mom gave me a small gift just before she died…..She took me my hand in hers and told me to never look back and have regrets about something that I wished I had done or said to her……I told Pam about that and what a gift it was to me. I know she tried to convey that to her own children. I hope they got that message.
So this week is one year later. I am allowing myself a bit of a “pity-party” as Pam and I used to call it. I’m letting the tears fall and playing the “remember when game” in my mind. I’m looking at pictures of my sister and I when we were children and when we were older. I’m wishing that I could sit down and talk to her again. I would let her do all the talking this time. I promise I wouldn’t borrow her clothes without asking or snoop through her drawers when she was out on a date and I would even let her use all the hair rollers at night. I would listen to her advice more and I would fill her fridge with all the interesting food that only she and I liked. I would hunt for buttons with her and we would share our creations with others. I would laugh more with her and I would cry more with her. We could solve the world’s problems if only the world would listen to us. I would make time stand still so we could all have a few more moments together……………
But life doesn’t work that way. I am a better person for having had my sister in my life. I wish I could have her back and change the way things are, but I can’t. I also know that because of her cancer I probably spent more time with her than I ever would have if all had been well. We made time for each other because we didn’t know what the future held. We couldn’t count on waiting until someday…..when we both had more time for each other. I was in Utah last November and I went to the Brigham Cemetery looking for Pam. I had a hard time finding her. I thought I could drive right to it, but I drove around and around and almost gave up. I even called Amanda and asked her where Pam was. I was sort of panicked because I couldn’t find her and had driven all that way for nothing. But even after finding the marker it was real clear to me that she still wasn’t there. I’m sure she is off doing what she does best…….teaching, learning, consoling, serving, touching, ministering, laughing and loving. I don’t have any doubt that there is life after death. I imagine that she is with Mom and the 2 of them are keeping things organized wherever heaven is. Sometimes I will admit that I am a bit jealous that they have this time together without me, but not jealous enough that I am willing to join them. In fact, I remind the Lord everyday that I still have lots to do here and I want to stay on this side of heaven.
I’m not sure who I am really writing this for……Myself? My children? Should I send it over to Amanda, Brandon and Kyle? Will it sound to others like I am still wallowing in self-pity? If it does, let me say that I recognize that I have much to be grateful for. I hope I am moving forward every day trying to make somebody else’s life better. Life is Good! Every day the sun comes up and the sky is blue and there’s a work to be done. Pam would be the 1st to remind me to Live Life to its fullest and allow myself to be an Instrument in the Lord’s Hands to do whatever needs doing. I’m moving forward, but feeling strength from my big sister on the way.
So…“Let us relish life as we live it, find joy in the journey, and share our love with friends and family. One day each of us will run out of tomorrows……because for now we still have today.
(Italics from Thomas S Monson “Finding Joy in the Journey” Oct 2008 Conference)
